Saturday, December 31, 2005

A Note from the Wizard's House

So here I am in the Wizard's home making my last post of 2005. I am getting ready to stuff myself silly with all kinds of cookies and pastries and goodies of all sorts. So in honor of the Wizard's hospitality, I offer up this list of the best of WilkeWorld 2005.

1. On April 22nd, 2005, the castle was blessed with Baby Indy.
2. The King defeated the Wizard in nearly every single canasta game played all year round.
3. We adopted a loving and adorable Sea Cow named Howie (we have yet to hear from Shaleen as to his WilkeWorld monicker).
4. The Wizard survived a blood clot scare.
5. The King has survived nearly all of Touchdown's shenanigans.
6. The citizens elected a cabinet full of exciting characters.
7. The Wife has not thrown up in nearly four months.
8. The residents of the castle are all healthy and happy.
9. The King has embarrassed himself innumerable times much to his chagrin.
10. WilkeWorld has the best citizens of all time. Thanks to all of you!!!!!

Happy New Year!!!!

Thursday, December 29, 2005

A Note on Stinkiness

"Life's no fun, everything stinks, and I can't go shopping!"

These are the words of the Wife this morning as she points at the monstrous zits erupting on her face. Let me illuminate you all on the situation here at the castle.

The teenager left to go see her dad the day after Christmas and won't be back until New Year's Day. This always puts the wife into a funk of sorts. Now, she normally would combat this loneliness and overwhelming despair by going on a shopping spree, but the fact that we just finished the Christmas shopping extravaganza and we are now broke has left the Wife with little therapy options.

Add to all of this the normal girl hormonal crapola and the absolute confusion of Touchdown (who is going through Christmas withdrawal) and we have quite a conundrum here at the castle.

To wit, Touchdown has tried to start the advent calendars again in hopes that in twenty five more days, Santa will appear with more gifts. In addition to this, she has been heard singing the "Ho, ho, ho, Valentine" song at the top of her lungs for ridiculously long stretches. Apparently Santa will be making a trip down the chimney on Valentine's Day in her mind.

So, with all of this confusion and ruckus here at the castle, I am tempted to go for a nice long hike, but, alas, the weather has turned bitterly cold and forced us all to hole up here in the castle. Happy, happy, joy, joy!!!!!

I hope all of you have a happy new year! It can't get here soon enough.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

A List of Excess

The holiday season is now almost over and I want to give the citizens of WilkeWorld a running tally of the gifts received and the holiday excesses experienced here at the castle. I remind all of you that we did, in fact, have a wonderful Christmas full of holiday cheer and love, but the Wife gets a little out of control when it comes to gift giving and decorating, hence this list.

1. Little Touchdown received three dolls total if you don't count the paper dolls and the doll clothing.
2. Baby Indy tallied four balls, three trucks (all of which make obnoxious noises) and a gaggle of other brightly colored rings and hoops and things to chew on.
3. The King will be forced to organize the garage (part of the Wife's master plan, I'm sure) because we recieved two organizers and a ceiling storage bin.
4. The Wife likes me fat. I got pistachios and Doritos in my stocking and the island in our kitchen is still brimming with chocolates, cookies, and dipped delicacies galore.
5. The teenager gets less quantity and a lot more quality nowadays. The wife always feels bad when she looks at the pile and sees just a couple of very expensive items. "It doesn't look like she has that much," she always says just before she makes another trip to Target or Walmart.
6. In the holiday spirit, the Wife and I threw a game of Canasta to the Wizard and his dear wife only to reclaim the championship the following day.
7. Watching TV on Christmas Day is quite lame.
8. March of the Penguins was a phenomenal film. So was Elf. We watched them all.
9. Baby Indy liked the wrapping paper better than his actual gifts. Whew! Now I know he is normal.
10. Getting all three children to church at 8:00 a.m. on Christmas morning is quite a chore, but we accomplished the feat admirably. We rock.

I hope all of you enjoyed the holidays and are looking forward to the new year.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

A Note for the Season

Alas, it is Christmas Eve and the children are now so hyped up on hot chocolate, sugar cookies, and Christmas caramels that visions of sugar plums are doing a jig in the family room. I just wanted to take a moment today and express a few of my feelings about the holiday season and wish all of you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

I am a very lucky man in so many ways. I have the love and affection of a beautiful wife and three spectacular children. I have the support and love of parents, brothers, sisters, in-laws, friends and neighbors. I live in the relative comfort of the best country in the world. I have the opportunity to express my views unharrassed in a forum like this on a daily basis. For these things, I wish to express my thanks to my Heavenly Father.

I also want to express my humble testimony of the influence of Jesus Christ in my life. He is my brother and my friend. I am so privileged to know of his redeeming sacrifice and how it influences my life. I testify that He lives and loves us and that through his atoning sacrifice, we might return to a heavenly abode.

At this time of the year, I wish to extend my warmest holiday greeting to all of the inhabitants here in WilkeWorld. However you celebrate this holiday season, I hope it will be with a happy heart and a charitable demeanor.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

A Note on Activism

I think I am a bleeding heart liberal disguised as a super-conservative.

Today, I wrote my first letter to a Senator and it had to do with a bill being introduced by an Idahoan of all people. It is a bill designed to streamline and reform the Endangered Species Act and cut some of the bureaucratic red tape surrounding Endangered Species designation. The end result, according to my friends at the Save The Manatee Club is the destruction of a great deal of natural habitat and the introduction of a willy-nilly designation for future species hoping to get the "Endangered" tag. Well, I couldn't let that happen now could I? I mean if I am adopting a sea cow, I've got to look after it and protect its habitat.

Now, I know the conservatives that I so often side with on a number of different issues, may call me foolish, but I read the whole bill and it stinks. Really it does. Allowing developers to destroy habitat if they will "donate" or "buy" into another species? Who makes the determination as to which species gets precedent?

To many of my readers, this will seem a trifle, but I encourage those of you who care about our sea cow to click on the Sea Cow Central link on my blogroll and read about how you can help.

Whew. Now that that is over, I am going to go eat some beef.

Monday, December 19, 2005

A List for Tentmaking 101

The Wizard and my kind, dear Mother visited over the weekend and we soundly defeated them in canasta. All is well. All is well. Oh, to hear the wizard say, "I've never had such bad hands in all my life" brings a big smile to the King's face.

Now on to the real topic of discussion for today. Stay-at-home-dad-ville. I am convinced that a manual needs to be written so that SAHDs can remain sane. Here are a few suggestions for those fathers like me who need a few ideas.

1. Build as many tents as possible. Apparently, kids like tents in all shapes and sizes. Today we are employing the heavy blanket draped over the back of the sofa and attached with a heavy book on to the swivel recliner. Voila! Instant tent. Good for 30 minutes of relative bliss.

2. Baths. Touchdown loves baths. I may just grab a book and throw a couple of Barbies in the ol' tub and settle in for about an hour.

3. Makeshift drums. Kids like to make noise and SAHDs should channel that compulsion for their own benefit. "Here, Touchdown, take this wooden spoon and see if you can pound on your Weeble house for about an hour."

4. A bit more to do for the SAHD, but pretending the king bed is a big boat has its pros and cons. Touchdown, for some reason, loves to jump off and then be miraculously saved.

5. Bribery. I prefer chocolate, since Touchdown responds well to it. You have to be very careful not to give them chocolate really early, cause then your stuck with a hyped-up kid for the whole day. I say bribe them with chocolate about an hour before the wife arrives back, that way, the sugar high corresponds to the wife's return to the house. Perfect.

6. Gambling. We are not to this point in our house just yet, but soon enough I will be playing bowling for dollars with my little ones.

7. Bucking bronco. Now a great deal of caution needs to be employed when attempting this maneuver or else the SAHD may have an aneurism, but it can be a good time killer.

8. McDonald's Fun Land. Just ask the Wizard. It tuckers them out and you aren't legally responsible for them. The one drawback--you may have to eat some of the food.

9. Vernon Worthen Park. Every city I know has a park like this one and it should be used as much as possible. However it is very cold here now and that pony already headed for the hills.

10. Tranquilizers. I found this works magnificently.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

A Note on the Stationary Bike


The Wizard has called me out on the rental of the stationary bike and I feel like I have to respond to his accusations.

Yes, the Wife and I rented (and I repeat, rented) a stationary bike for one month at a cost of $25. The idea was to see if we would really use it or whether it would become a clothes hamper of sorts. As of right now, we are liking it. I am on a 5-mile a day regimen to begin with and I have done it for four days in a row now, so the chances are that we will keep the bike and pay the $250, but it doesn't hurt to rent it for awhile just to check it out.

I think I really know what you are doing Wizard. You are trying to get me out of my game. Well, it worked with golf, but I will defeat you this time.

Oh, BTW, Touchdown is sporting a swimming suit and some pretty attractive cowboy boots as her ensemble today. Pretty darn cute if you ask me.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

A Note on the Weigh-In

"Its going to be pounds lost not percentage of total weight."

This coming from the Wizard after the weigh-in on the 12th. As for the weigh-in amounts...let's just say that the King was a lot and the Wizard was slightly more than a lot so the idea of the bet is well founded. The problem that we have is determining a payoff, so I need the help of the citizenry here at WilkeWorld to help in determining the payoff for the bet.

What should the bet be between the Wizard and the King?

Now, let me give some parameters. Both the Wizard and the King are overweight, so the winner shouldn't get anything like a poundcake, although making the Wizard eat a fruitcake should he lose does have a certain merit to it. Be creative people. I will ultimately let Lucy Stern decide the terms of the bet here in this forum, but I urge her to consider all of the suggestions carefully before she makes her final determination.

On a slightly different topic. I was almost ran over yesterday by about five people talking on their cell phones while driving. I am about to lose my mind with this cell phone etiquette. I urge all of you to put the cell phones down. Please!

Carry on...

Sunday, December 11, 2005

A Note on the Three Kings

Well, not three kings, but one really. Me. The legend goes that three kings (or Magi) travelled from afar bearing gifts. Well, as the holiday season arrives, I thought it might be a little fun for me to show up here bearing gifts. So here it is folks, the cybergifts you have all been waiting for.

First and foremost, to the citizens of WilkeWorld who have been here through good and mostly bad, I offer up this present. The long-awaited photo of the King in the Manatee T-Shirt (see above).

You'll all notice that I cut off the picture right at my attractive midrift. I do have some common sense.

Now on to the other gifts.

To Indigo, I offer up this little gift.
To Janie, I'd like to offer up this little treat. I hope you will enjoy.
To the Wizard, I'd really like to offer this tiny morsel. Good luck with the bet. I'll be over later for the weigh-in.
To Anita who is contemplating retirement, I thought this might be appropriate.
To Wendopolis, I thought something like this might make your day. You have to read awhile to get the gist of the article, but Wendopolis will understand.
To the Evil Genius, aka The Bro-in-Law, I present this. Just thinking of you, Bro.
To dear Lucy Stern, I thought perhaps this would remind you of Pagosa.
To Jo, perhaps this will be the thing that'll change your mind. Then again, maybe not...?
To John Cowart, I think he will be needing this for his next little party, since he is the funkiest blogger around. Congrats, John.
To Marie, I thought you might be wanting this.
To DaybyDay, I offer this little gem. I thought you might find it interesting and fun.
To Jensen, Faye, Shaleen, Ribbiticus, Cybervassals, Travis, Ivoryfrog, MissMeliss, Colleen, Mimi, Kmsqrd, Michele, and all of the rest of you, I wish you the best holiday greetings I can. And a special thanks and a shout out goes to Silver and his whole family. Along with Travis, who has fallen off the edge of the earth, they have been there since the beginning and I appreciate it. To all of you I offer this.

Oh and to the wife, I offer up this. Luv ya hon.

Happy Holidays to you all.

The King

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

A Note on Timeout

Wizard-"Touchdown, do you like timeout?"
Touchdown-"No, Grandpa, I don't like it."
Wizard-"Well, what are some things you could do so you won't go to timeout?"
Touchdown-"I could tell Dad, 'No!'"
Wizard-"That sounds reasonable, but maybe you could leave Baby Indy alone and not try to maim him."
Touchdown-"Yeah, but I could just tell Dad, 'No!"
Wizard-"Well, okay then..."

So now you all see what I'm up against over here at the castle. Oh, and as for the challenge. I accept. I am down to the weight I was when I got married to the Wife, so I am on a weightloss roll so to speak. I will accept the challenge.

Last thing today, Indigo is apparently concerned that I am conducting a QOTD over here with my constant questions. So as not to offend the delicate sensitivities (I love saying that in hopes of stirring up the pot) of Indigo, I will only leave a short but sweet message meant to provoke thought. Here goes...

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirtbag.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

A Note on Compliance

Apparently, around the castle here, I am not allowed to be the Scrooge that I so desperately want to be. To note, yesterday I officially hung all the Christmas lights on the shrubs and trees in our front yard. Do you hear that, Wizard?

Then, if that wasn't enough Christmas cheer, I made the dough for the gingerbread cookies. Now decorating was a chore far above my capabilities but I did manage to help the decorators devour a few mutant cookies that probably wouldn't have made the final cut, anyway.

It was quite a production. Touchdown had icing from head to toe. The wife actually donned an apron (my apron) and attempted some baking. A rolling pin even came out of hibernation. The teenager was flummoxed however when one of her decorated little gems jumped out of her hand and did a face plant on the tray. She had to eat it.

Today, the Wizard comes over to watch the kids for a little bit, and I am interested to know just what he will top me with. Christmas chocolates? Carols? Santa impressions? Bring it on, old man. I am just getting into the swing of things over here.

Trivia question for you to gnaw on for a while. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Saturday, December 03, 2005

A Note on Scrooge

I'm not a Scrooge. I really am not a Scrooge. Despite the fact that I am against decorating the outside of our house with any Christmas decorations and the fact that I despise setting up the Christmas Tree. I am not a Scrooge.

Now I am a bit of a lazy bum, which the Wizard will attest to as he came to my house this afternoon and trimmed the tree that hangs over our front sidewalk and replaced the lightbulbs in the light fixtures. I am not, however, a Scrooge.

I attended the Dicken's Festival here in Saint George and thoroughly enjoyed every aspect of it, so I am not a Scrooge. I tied the bow and put it atop the tree, so I am not a Scrooge.

Please help me not be a Scrooge...

Friday, December 02, 2005

A Memory of Christmas

I know that there is a tremendous hubbub right now in the media and in the world of retail about whether or not the word "Christmas" should be used in marketing campaigns over the holiday season. I am no political activist and don't really have an axe to grind either way, but I will just say one thing, here at WilkeWorld we encourage the use of Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukah, or any other incarnation of a religious or non-religious holiday as long as it helps the Sea Cows.

Whew! I hope that won't be too controversial.

Now on to my memory. About six or seven years ago, my brothers and sisters and I gave the Wizard and my dear mother a kitchen table that seats ten when it has all the leaves in it. Before this wonderful and life-altering gift, my parents spent almost 3o years with the same kitchen table from the sixties. Yep, it had the formica/plastic/faux-wood oak look and was starting to peel. For those of you that remember these archaic treasures, they do, in fact, peel. I remember the shards that would lodge in my legs when I'd get close to the table.

My parent's insisted that the table was still in good working order, but I am pretty sure even now that oatmeal and peanut butter from thirty years ago was caked and plastered between the leaves. Talk about grossness in massive amounts.

When we finally made the decision to buy a new table, we had to do it incognito because the Wizard was so attached to that table that he actually cried when we took it to the dump. Ahhh, good times.

So lets hear it folks: What's the best gift you've ever given?

Thursday, December 01, 2005

A Note on December

Just to catch up.

The NaNoWriMo thing was a mixed success and failure. I didn't come close to the required 50,000 words (sorry about that Indy and BSTS), but I did get a jump start on a pretty good little story and I learned quite a bit about my writing style and work ethic in the process. More than anything I learned the value of sticktoitiveness (something I have yet to master). For those of you who followed along, I thank you and I will continue to post my novel as it becomes available.

Secondly, as we herald the arrival of December, we introduce a myriad of advent calendars into our house. It is quite a production to remember all of them and eat all of the chocolate and hang all of the trinkets. I am not sure I understand the whole process, but I am now knee-deep in them so I'd better figure it out.

Lastly, I have been reading a wonderful book entitled, Angle of Repose, by Wallace Stegner and in it he describes what I call the Western sensibility. He says its very different from an Eastern sensibility and he likens it to unaffectedness if that makes any sense. My question today revolves around the idea of sensibility.

Does your area of the world have a different sensibility than anywhere else? Describe it...