Tuesday, August 29, 2006

A Note on Comings and Goings

And so it begins...

Today marks the first day of Touchdown's formal schooling. She is off to preschool this morning and we are all holding our collective breaths. Its not that we really think anything bad will occur, its just that we don't know what will come out of her mouth in a given day. I am scared she will tell everyone about the bugs in her hair (they are all gone now, but...). The Wife should be scared that her disciplinary practices will be revealed for the whole world. I can just hear Touchdown saying, "My mama puts me in time out for hours and hours." It is really only four minutes, but...

I work with the husband of the preschool teacher, so I have already warned the teacher that Touchdown is a loose cannon capable of nearly anything, but I wonder if she has any real idea. Just a couple of days ago, Touchdown found another sequine on the ground and has been carrying it around like its her best friend. Go figure.

So my fingers have been cemented in a crossed position for the last week and we are hoping for the best.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

A Note on Goofy Dogs

In a shocking twist today, astronomers have declared that Pluto is no longer a planet. Pluto, of course, is tremendously disappointed in the declaration and feels its several billion years of revolution around the sun should count for something.

In a press release this morning, Pluto declared, "I am hurt and saddened by the demotion and I promise to fight this in the courts. My lawyers and I have a meeting this afternoon to decide the exact course we will take, but I suspect we will be appealing this."

Astronomy insiders have speculated for months about the demotion, but thought the cost of changing every single school textbook in the world would deter astronomers from making the demotion.

Astronomer Crazy McWhoCares stated, "Pluto has been on our nerves since the beginning with its elliptical path around the sun and its suspect atmosphere. Frankly, I don't much like it."

The news of Pluto's demotion has sparked rallies in several cities around the United States and a huge rally will be held tomorrow morning at Disneyworld where Pluto fans have promised to stage a sit-in to prevent Space Mountain from operating. Asked to comment about the outrage felt by Pluto fans and their proposed sit-in, President Bush declared, "I like that Goofy fella, but Pluto, I think he got what he deserved."

Monday, August 21, 2006

A List of Puerto Vallarta

The Wife and I tried to escape from our humdrum existence and take a five-year anniversary trip to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico this past week and this is what we learned.

1. We are really addicted to our children. We missed them dearly.
2. Prices in Puerto Vallarta go up exponentially when the cruise ships show up in the harbor.
3. The economy of Puerto Vallarta is intimately tied to alcohol consumption (not a good mix for two teatotalling Mormons).
4. $2.50 is a lot to pay for a can of Diet Pepsi at the Marriott Casamagna Resort.
5. Waterfalls and beaches are cool no matter where they are.
6. I probably forgot to tip somebody.
7. Baby turtles released into the ocean are darned cute.
8. Humidity and fat guys are a combustible mixture.
9. Mexicans can make pretty good pizza (go to Tony's Pizza at the Marina to find out).
10. Don't ever believe the guy who says he has the "best" price. He doesn't.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

A Note on the Piojo

So I had every intention of writing about Puerto Vallarta today but, alas, the Castle has an infestation of sorts. Both the Teenager and little Touchdown are fighting off head lice. Yeah, head lice!

I tease my wife about the cleanliness of the Castle at times, but in all honesty, the Castle is very spiffy and clean and the Wife is an excellent mother which makes the infestation that much more humiliating and perplexing. Where did they pick it up at?

And let me tell you, the little buggers are nasty and determined to ruin your day. So, today, instead of a pleasant little day of rest, the Joneses are combing through each others' hair and shampooing with lice shampoo. For awhile we looked like a Jane Goodall campsite with as much lice picking as was going on.

Please wish us good luck!

Friday, August 18, 2006

A Note of Explanation

Sorry for the extended break. The Wife and I travelled to Puerto Vallarta this week for a well-deserved break from our children and a 5-year anniversary and I forgot to keep you all updated on it. I shall have a full report in a day or so once I get caught up with everything around here. As for the little list I left with all of you, here are the all-important answers.

1. I attended my wedding reception in tennis shoes. (This one belongs to the Wizard) The story goes that he wasn't aware that when he rented the tuxedo the shoes were extra. Soooooooo, he decided tennis shoes were the next best option. My worst wedding blunder was probably that I couldn't figure out how to fasten the cufflinks on the shirt.

2. I was twice considered the best basketball player in my religion. (Once again, this belongs to the Wizard) The Mormon Church for many years during the 60's and 70's had an All-Church Basketball Tournament with the best teams meeting for the finals in Salt Lake City or Provo. Well, my father was a two-time MVP of that tournament.

3. I once spoke to a terrorist on the phone. (This one is all mine although my father did work as a counselor at a boys' home so who knows if any of them are terrorists) The story is that a close work friend of mine in Las Vegas met a man at a party and got married to him only to find out from the U.S. Marshals that he was a wanted terrorist known as an outfitter. Well, she found out about him and left him only to harassed by him over the years. He would often call the store where we worked and I would talk to him and try to *69 him. It worked once and we found out he was in Canada.

4. I once tried my hand at farming before realizing "I am not a farmer". (Once again the Wizard strikes) The story is one of great expectations and very little realizations. He does look good in a John Deere hat, though.

5. A group of scared pigs once broke my nose. (The Wizard once again) He was desperately trying to free the pigs from a burning barn when they pushed up against the barn door so violently that the door broke open in a way and clobbered the Wizard right in the nose.

6. I broke my right wrist three separate times. (That would be me) Once I fell off playground equipment. Once was a skateboarding incident. Once was a deadman's flip off the monkey bars in elementary school. They say its strong now.

7. I once appeared on Japanese television. (Me, again) As a salesman in Las Vegas, we often hosted Japanese tour groups in our store. Because I could speak Japanese just a little bit, I was often asked to assist the tour groups. Well, one day a travel show from Japan was featuring Las Vegas as a honeymoon destination and I was the token American salesman in the store.

8. I married out of my league. (Duh, both of us)

9. I once worked on the Yucca Mountain Nuclear Waste Dump. (That would be me again) I wonder sometimes if it somehow retarded my development, so I ask my wife and she just nods and avoids eye contact.

1o. I once punched a man on my Mormon mission. (Both the Wizard and I) I clocked a drunkard who tried to run over me in a jeep and the Wizard levelled one of his missionary companions for sneaking out in the middle of the night and dating some girls (against mission rules and a big no-no).

There you have it. I hope you had fun trying to figure it out. Details of the PV trip upcoming.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

A List of Me and the Wizard

Okay, here's the deal. The following is a list of true facts. Four of them are about the King, four of them are about the Wizard, and two of them are about us both. You be the judge.

1. I attended my wedding reception in tennis shoes.
2. I was twice considered the best basketball player in my religion.
3. I once spoke to a terrorist on the phone.
4. I once tried my hand at farming before realizing "I am not a farmer".
5. A group of scared pigs once broke my nose.
6. I broke my right wrist three separate times.
7. I once appeared on Japanese television.
8. I married way out of my league.
9. I once worked on the Yucca Mountain Nuclear Waste Dump.
10. I once punched a man on my Mormon mission.

Monday, August 07, 2006

A Note on Modest Swimwear

Trying to get the Teenager a modest swimsuit that doesn't look like Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies. Wish us luck. Somehow I got roped into this fiasco. Don't ask me how.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

A Note on Papa-In-Law

I have taken my pot shots. I have laughed until I nearly fell off a chair. Heck, if you all had a father-in-law like mine, you'd be in the same boat. Simply said, I have the coolest father-in-law anyone could ever ask for.

The whole family and I traveled northward on I-15 this week to spend Saturday at a little park celebrating my father-in-law's 70th birthday. Never mind that his birthday was June 12 or that no one in his entire family lives in the town where we had the party. Truth be told, he waited to have his birthday party until The Teenager got back from her father's house in Houston. He couldn't bear to celebrate without her. As for the location of the party, he wanted it to be central and somewhere familiar. We picked our old neighborhood. It seemed like a good fit.

Everyone had a great time and he seemed very pleased. He got a nice book from one of his niece's entitled, "The Fifty Golf Courses You Have To Play Before You Die". I told him it had better be a quick read.

See, that's just it. I can say that to him and he zings stuff right back at me. When I asked his permission to marry his daughter five years ago, he just laughed and, with a sarcastic glance at his daughter, he said, "Good luck. You'll need it."

I like that about him. He's real. His health has been in question of late (he was diagnosed with a mild form of Alzheimer's over the summer) and I wonder how sharp he will continue to be, but I know that regardless of his health, his heart will always be in exactly the right place. I love ya, Roberto.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

A List of Stuff I've Found at My New Job

I have found hardly anything too extravagant, but I wish to keep all of you informed. Here are my finds.

1. A Navy button from the 50s or 60s.
2. A steel bullet.
3. A Rose Spring arrowhead.
4. A piece of corrugated North Creek Gray pottery (Anasazi)
5. A limestone scraper.
6. A possible chert source.
7. A new way to lose weight (intense walking)
8. A kit fox.
9. A mountain bluebird.
10. My Wife's cheery disposition.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

A Note on Buzzing Bees

Touchdown has a new best friend. She calls it a bee, but most of us know it as a common house fly. It is her best friend and tonight it is having a sleepover with Touchdown. Normally, a little creativity and imagination are a wonderful thing, but when the three-year-old gets hysterical when the Wife brushes the fly away from the dining table, I have to draw a line.

Now I didn't do anything too drastic. I could have gotten the flyswatter and been big, mean Daddy, but instead I just let the Wife handle things as she explained that the fly would probably be back following the brushing away but that Mommy wanted the "bee" to go back to her family and see her mommy and daddy. That seemed to placate Touchdown to some extent.

So, all those years as a bachelor, I was just hosting sleepovers for lonely "bees". Dirty bathrooms will encourage that, you know.