Saturday, June 30, 2007

A Note on Floam

Here are a few random stories from the minds and actions of Touchdown and Lil Indy.

The other day Touchdown came into The Wife's office to hear her lamenting that she was in trouble 'cause she had to get an e-mail out before the end of the day. She felt bad for her mother and went out depressed. A few minutes later she came back in with a wide grin.

"Momma," she said, "you're so lucky."

"Why is that, Touchdown?"

"'Cause when you're in trouble, State Farm is there."

This revelation came on the heels of a complete meltdown earlier in the week. Touchdown just lost it. She came in to The Wife's office with "crying drips" flying in every direction and could not be consoled. Finally the Wife got her calmed down enough to find out the cause of the consternation.

"Momma, its just not fair. It's not fair! Why do you have to be 18 to buy floam?!?"

The last story comes from the mouth of Lil Indy. Yesterday, while riding home from lunch at Mickey D's, Lil Indy sunk back into his carseat and delivered an astute declaration.


"Yeah, bud."

"Daddy, I'm tired of the ladybugs."

Ummmmmm, who isn't?

Monday, June 11, 2007

A Note on Expired Diapers

That's right. Diapers have an expiration date. I don't know exactly why they have an expiration date, but they do. I guess if you keep diapers too long you're too tempted to have more babies? It's the government's way to curb population growth.

Oh, and lifejackets also have an expiration date, as do condoms. I don't know how the government factors into it however. I am still mulling this one over.

Here are a few things I would put an expiration date on if I were in charge of things.

1. Reality TV shows.
2. Oscar acceptance speeches.
3. Celebrity renderings of the National Anthem.
4. My wife's memory of my wrongdoings.
5. Women's perfume (I swear I smelled some mothballs the other day in the Walmart)
6. Driver's licenses (60 years ought to be plenty)
7. Barney the Purple Dinosaur
8. Paris Hilton
9. Computers
10. Gumballs from a Gumball Machine.

Monday, June 04, 2007

A List of Concepts I Think I Understand But I Don't

1. Anti-Oxidents...I think I need them and I know that some foods have all of them that I need, but I then get confused and I think this is something you don't want in your car. Or do you want them in your car? They sound like something that builds up in your car. I am anti-anti-oxidents. Or am I pro-anti-oxidents? Does Dr. Pepper have any? Cause then I'd know if I like them.

2. Electrolytes...Gatorade has lots of them but I get a little constipated when I drink a lot of Gatorade so...

3. Estrogen...Well, this needs no explanation.

4. Ethernet...I think you plug it in to a USB port, whatever a USB port is.

5. Attention Deficit Disorder...I apologize now to all of you that have this disorder, but it sounds to me like boredom. The average attention span of an average adult is 22 minutes. I have spent 8 hours straight playing Runescape on the internet so I have no concept of this disorder.

6. Trans-Fat...I don't like it, whatever it is.

7. MSG...Chinese places don't use it, but it is in Doritos? How bad can it be?

8. Oprah...Yeah, Oprah is a concept. One I really don't understand.

9. Deal or No Deal...Ummmmmmmmmm, they pick briefcases and then they open them and then Howie goes to commercial.

10. The Chicago Cubs...