Tuesday, May 31, 2005

A List of Things I Don't Understand

This is officially post #99 and I will be having a special post for #100 in a day or two, so don't touch that dial. In honor of the fact that my next post will celebrate my sticktoitiveness, this post honors my inability to comprehend certain matters that are probably clear to the rest of the world.

Here it is: A List of Things I Don't Understand (my wife says this is going to be a long list but I'll limit it to only 1o things)

1. Women--I don't really need to explain this further as every man knows what I'm talking about.

2. The Dewey Decimal System--At one point in college, I grasped it enough to find some of the books I needed, but I didn't dare venture out of the social science area lest I get confused.

3. The Difference between Trans Fat, Saturated Fat, and Just Plain Old Fat--Thank goodness they have big stars and dots saying "No Trans Fat", else I wouldn't have known the corn chips were healthy. Does ice cream have "Trans Fat"? I need to know these things.

4. The Fascination with Oprah--My wife just spent a load of money on new bras because Oprah said that 85% of women are wearing the wrong sized bra. Well, if Oprah said it.

5. Volume--As in teaspoons, tablespoons, cups, quarts, gallons, liters, milliliters and the accompanying measurements of weight like grams, ounces, kilos, pounds, etc. I got a 36 on the ACT in Math, but you ask me to put a quart of milk in the bowl and then hand me a gallon container and a cup and I will look at you like the idiot I am. You add in other imprecise measurements like dabs, pinches, dollups, and scoches and I look like Britney Spears in a scrapbooking store, wanting to understand but wholly incapable.

6. Cars and Engines--Ask me the leading scorer off a Division II basketball team and I've got a shot at answering the question. Ask me to identify a car on the road and I will defer to my all-knowing wife. I am so clueless about cars and trucks, I wonder how I even function. My first car--1973 AMC Gremlin.

7. Pet Blogs--I apologize to those of you that have them and love them, but, um....?????

8. Napolean Dynamite--I must be getting old.

9. Glenn Close over Anne Archer--Remember the movie where they cook the rabbit. Fatal Attraction, yeah, that was it. Well, my buddy, Glen, totally agreed that if he had to choose between Glenn Close and Anne Archer, he would choose Glenn Close. Glen, I love ya, buddy, but are you serious?

10. Why Any of You Read This Blog--Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered, but, seriously, get a life.


Blogger Le laquet said...

"Britney Spears in a scrapbooking store!" - classic, see that's why we read you - for the laughs!!

1:30 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

Glenn aka The bunny boiler is one scary lady - your mate probably only fancies her so he can have one of those windscreen stickers


Your right I dont have a life ;-)

1:56 AM  
Anonymous CT said...

Who the hell is Anne Archer? Not that I'm a Glenn Close fan, but at least make comparisons with a known quantity...

7:08 AM  
Blogger K Jones said...

Anne Archer isn't your run of the mill Hollywood starlet, but she was in Fatal Attraction and she played Harrison Ford's wife in Patriot Games and A Clear and Present Danger. Again, she's not Susan Sarandon, but if you've seen Fatal Attraction, you'll know what I'm talking about. How could Michael Douglas choose Glenn Close over Anne Archer in that movie?

7:35 AM  
Blogger Indigo said...

I don't understand the difference between all the fats either. There should either be fat, or no fat. Or if there are different categories of fat, they should be called something like: strawberry, vanilla, and chocolate. That way I would know if I wanted them or not. For instance, I don't like strawberry, so that would be easy.

Can't wait to see #100!

I think I'll read #1 now....

2:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm with you on the Napoleon Dynomite stupidity- I was reminded oh so well of all the things i hated about high school. bad dates being # 1.

However, i was visiting my sister the other day and she showed me some old home movies and we laughed as we watched her little Laurels and Priests back in Oklahoma, doing, The Armies of Helaman, in sign at a ward talent show. (She had "taught" them) snicker,snicker

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Blogger Scooter said...

As some one who was recently told his cholesterol is high, I agree with all the fats. It reminds me of my "what's with good cholesterol and the bad kind" question.

I also ripped Napeleon Dynamite on my blog too. My theory is that you had to be a uber-nerd yourself to enjoy it. So you can rest in the solice of my theory.

Scooter McGavin's 9th Green

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Blogger T. F. Stern said...

Napoleon Dynomite is like having a huge zit, why would you want to watch it. My daughter even bought the DVD so she could watch it more than once. And yes, Ann Archer is very awesome.

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Blogger Lucy Stern said...

Hey, Oprah is right. You would have had to see that show to know what she is talking about. Listen to your wife. I love Oprah. She is the only talk show out in TV land worth watching.

Napoleon Dynomite... OHHHH Pleaseeee. Yeks, what a nerd.

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