Sunday, September 11, 2005

A Note on Table Manners

On a day like today, when we commemorate some pretty heady stuff, I thought I would go in a completely opposite direction and opt for a little observational humor. I hope you all don't mind a bit of levity.

I am a good upstanding Mormon but I think my children might be Jewish. There is nothing wrong with that but it confuses me slightly. I offer this for an example...

The teenager apparently read somewhere in the Talmud that cucumbers must not touch any potatoes lest they become unclean. She definitely believes in the Mosaic law of some foods not being safe to eat if they even touch some other food on the plate. I don't recall where it mentions that gravy must not touch corn or where Moses wrote the commandment, "Thou shalt not let iceberg lettuce touch spaghetti," but it must be in there.

She also must have read that cheese on pizzas, potatoes, sandwiches and salads is good, but cheese on a hamburger (something we call a cheeseburger) is bad.

None of this concerns me in the least as I am really not that concerned with the ins and outs of teenage eating habits but when I innocently place a dollup of red sauce in an unapproved area of the teenager's plate, I hope that the Sanhedrin won't show up at my door demanding justice.

As for little Touchdown, she has apparently adopted the angle the Pharisees took at the time of Christ. On the Sabbath it is unlawful to take more than six bites of any food lest the sabbath be broken. I tried to tempt her into more but she held to her beliefs religiously. No, Daddy, no more.

I am tempted to blame the wife, as she started the whole thing with the gravy and the corn, but some of their little habits are unaccounted for.

How can Touchdown literally place 25 fishy crackers in her mouth at one time? How can an 80 pound girl of 14 out-eat her stepfather who is easily three times her weight? It cannot be totally attributed to metabolics.

I have changed my mind. The wife IS to blame. She can down a whole onion at a single sitting. Oh, and then she claims to have heartburn when I try to get a little romantic. It is starting to make more sense now.


Anonymous The Wizard of WilkeWorld said...

K....there are many things that you may not know about the eating habits of your family. I must warn you, that when you call them on their cell phone, and they say they are in the parking lot of Home Depot, you may want to ask them in more detail, exactly where in the parking lot are they. If my memory serves me correctly the I-Hop is also in the same parking lot. Ask the Teenager for more details she won't lie to you........

5:26 AM  
Blogger Indigo said...

Are you asking me to do math here? 3 x 80? Because I took my last college calculus class back in the 90's and I vowed that I'd only making guesses regarding math from that point forward.

I don't like my food to touch either, which might explain why Hubby's grandma thought I was jewish the first time I met her.

8:51 PM  
Blogger Lucy Stern said...

K .... You have an interesting life ahead of you. Good luck!

8:59 PM  

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